Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
