Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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