I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
