Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
