seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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