You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You don't make any sense
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