we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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