I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
His hands were made for my vagina.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
