he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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