I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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