Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
