Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
