I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
