after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
