I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I don't deserve a penis
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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