We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
