you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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