shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
