I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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