I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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