Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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