im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
