What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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