I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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