I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
