I wish I could teleport
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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