Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
