If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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