I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
