operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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