Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
