how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
