wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
