he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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