So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
