I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
