somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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