Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
