She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
