I need help removing her.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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