Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize