I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize