Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
