this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
