I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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