I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize