The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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