Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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