Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
