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I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
