So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
