i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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