the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
