I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
