My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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