Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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