i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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