Me. At least after what I've been through.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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