i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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