it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
