The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
