ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
