Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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