My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
