Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
