My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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