If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
