the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
